he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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