he told me I talked like a deaf person
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
