I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
