last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
