I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
