I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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