alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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