Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
