I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
