you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
