Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
