There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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