Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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