I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
