masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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