The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
