I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
no, he came in my armpit
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
