I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
