Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
