I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
