just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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