my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
They took my balls.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
