My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
