got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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