and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
