i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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