Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
