Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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