what day is it and did you see me today?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
