New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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