Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
