Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
