do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
