Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
