Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
