my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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