I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
