my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
