Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
