Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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