if only i could text you this smell
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
