How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
