I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
