He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
