Yo dont text me then not text me
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
