Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
