Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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