Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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