New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Fuck appropriateness.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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