We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
