Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
