I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
