The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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