maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
