Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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